Along Came Holly…

I have received several comments from many of my loved ones and friends about my “recent” depression (which is funny in and of itself since I’ve been on antidepressants for 11 years), specifically my less-than-optimistic facebook status updates and blog entries.  As I have stated many times, and those who know me already understand, I am not a flowers and rainbows kind of girl.  I like the glass half-empty, I deal strictly in realism, and I prepare for worst case scenarios so there are no surprises.  I overthink, overanalyze, and then do it again.

I believe that my recent “depressive” comments on life are an expression of my new-found disillusionment with the world.  This may sound dramatic, but I think it really took me 32 years to realize some hard truths.  I had believed, albeit naively, that good things happen to good people and if you work hard enough, you will get what you’re working for.  I still believe this on some level, but I had created this idea as a blanket-statement about how the world goes around.  I was very disillusioned.

Everywhere I look, from a school level with 40 co-workers to a city, state, and national level, it feels like nobody is listening to one another.  I talk with parents about different educational issues and take time to give my opinion because it has been solicited, only to have the parents do what they wanted to do anyway.  Administration in my district are making decisions solely on their own personal wants and needs–they are listening to nobody further down the food chain.  I vote in favor of a tax increase that promises to save police and fire personnel in Grand Rapids, only to hear on the news that because voters don’t want to pay for their street lights, we will lose emergency workers anyway.  I write letters to my congress people about legislation affecting me, they send back a form letter telling me that they’re sorry for my plight, but they’re going to do what they’re going to do.  Companies are dumping millions of tons of oil into the ocean and everyone is watching the disaster from the sidelines.

When I discuss any of the above issues with other adults, all of us shake our heads in disgust.  But what are we DOING about it?  Nothing–and why?  Because we’re exhausted.  We feel like we’re fighting but no one’s listening.  No one cares!  It’s a scary, sad commentary when Americans–a land of the people, by the people, for the people–shrug their shoulders with apathy.  Hence my disillusionment, I thought if I upheld a sense of good and worked hard, I would get somewhere.  All I’m doing is spinning my wheels and not sleeping at night.

I feel disillusioned, and maybe my comments do come off as depressive.  I struggle with being depressed, especially in stressful times–much like an alcoholic who craves a drink when life gets hard, I crave a nap when times get tough because I can escape my problems and go to my alternative never-never land.  I know I will come to terms with my disappointment, but it seems silly to act as if I’m content with the way the world is operating.  I think it’s a shame that people are writing that off as Holly’s Depression when really it’s an expression of how I feel.  Again, anyone who knows me shouldn’t expect glasses half-full.  I speak my mind (perhaps too easily and bluntly) and it isn’t always upbeat, but it’s honest.  I could blow sunshine and act as if the world is at my fingertips, but it’s just not.  I respect that some people have to operate in that mode, but it’s just not me.

Will times change?  Yes.  Will things change for the better?  I sure hope so.  Will I feel better about things in the future?  Absolutely.  Will the world implode before any of the above occur?  Maybe.  I understand that being around Debbie Downer is no fun, but I am just trying to be honest and realistic about life today.  If everyone sees that as depressive, so be it.  I classify it as an expression of my disillusionment–and at the end of the day, what I think is what matters most anyway.

I hate this time of year.  The time when everyone wants change, but it just won’t come fast enough?  Yeah, we’re ready for a break at school, ready for the snow and mud to disappear and green grass and plants to take its place, ready for warm weather and a new wardrobe of clothes.  I’m terrible at waiting–I have patience until the cows come home with small children, but I am hardly patient when it comes to change.  I want it done with already.

I’m also tired of doom and gloom.  I want change here too, and I’m hoping it will come with the rebirth of life associated with spring.  Again this week, my poor friends.  One lost a baby at 37 weeks–I can’t even comment on this one.  Too close to home.  Another found out her youngest brother has cancer, again.  And yet another was to be married in August, only to have her fiance break it off, no warning.  We’re not talking about little things–they’re huge, life-altering situations.  None of this is happening to me, but I can’t help but empathize with these people.  I feel an overwhelming predisposition to sadness these days, it seems everytime I turn around, the prescription for folks is more trying times and dreams flushed down the toilet.  When is it going to end?

I’m beginning to think that maybe I’ve really lived a sheltered life.  This past year has really opened my eyes to the hard times and strife that exist in the world.  I don’t know if it’s just because I’m getting older and naturally, people get sicker, or is it that I care too much about others and get wrapped up in their lives, or is it that I’ve had my head so far up my ass with my own woes that I’ve just blocked out all of these things going on around me?

I’m ready to blog about happier times.  I’m tired of having nothing to talk about but my own hopelessness with how life is panning out for myself and my friends.  I’m hoping in my case and those of my friends that times are about to change, that we are going to turn a corner and finally see some things go our way.  Maybe work will stabilize, maybe kids will be in our future, maybe we will be able to sell our house and finally begin to really think about building a new one.  The one inch plants poking out of my woodchips and buds on my bushes give me the faintest hope that life can spring anew and things can look again to the bright side.  If only I could get there faster.

As I mentioned previously, Ben and I bought four acres of land recently in a rural area outside of Grand Rapids.  While we are not planning to build soon due to the poor housing market, we have begun to do a bit of research and see what is “out there” as far as house plans, builders, etc.  A good friend is a Realtor and has suggested a local builder, so we are planning to go see one of their properties this weekend (open house) along with another suggested builder, who coincidentally also has an open house this weekend.

On Monday night, we went to the Macaroni Grill for Ben’s birthday.  They have the butcher paper tablecloths covering the tables, and needless to say, Ben and I began sketching our respective dream homes on the tablecloth.  We made lists of our wants, needs, and the like.  Then, we came home and I began to explore the internet…famous last words, eh?

Found my dream house, folks!  It’s pie in the sky, I realize, especially without having kids to fill 4 bedrooms…but here is a link if you are interested….

http://www.homeplans.com/exec/action/plans/browsemode/details/filter/plnid.27919/hspos/hsnet/page/1/planid/27919/section/homeplans

Long live the Blaine!

So, California is T-1 week away!  I was finally getting geeked about going away…until I watched the NBC Nightly News this evening.  I have all but sworn off the news lately, I hear enough doom and gloom in my life without watching a half-hour program dedicated to nothing but the depressing status of American life today.  But Ben was eating dinner in front of the news, so I joined.  After the run down of what Obama is doing, how upset everyone is about AIG, the stock market, and how houses still aren’t selling (duh, duh, uh-huh, and double duh), they turned to the newest threat-earthquakes in California!  Apparently, over 240 small earthquakes have been detected in the last few weeks in southern California, making the leading scientists concerned that the big one is coming.  WHAT??????

Ben’s reaction to this news was as follows:  he broke into a huge grin and said, “Wouldn’t that be cool to be there and really experience an earthquake?”

REALLY?  I think that it scares the gadzooks out of me to be in the middle of the chaos that an earthquake would inevitably bring and be stranded in a state I don’t know.  Ben?  Thinks it’d be cool.   The phrase “you never really know anyone” ran through my mind.

Needless to say, I guess I should have opted for the tent accommodations at Yosemite.   Then I wouldn’t  have to worry about the hotel floors above me crashing onto my semiconscious sleeping body at 3 am when the big one rocks every living structure in California.  Am I being too dramatic?  Anxious? I think not.

I leave all my worldly possessions to my loved ones and I hope someone will take Lucy.  This is in lieu of the will Ben and I won’t get around to writing before we leave for California and our “cool” experiencing of an earthquake.

Well, loyal readers, Bailey’s current health saga continues.  It appears that his back condition is still causing him problems.  Ben took him to our regular vet today and apparently, it is common for beagles to suffer from these back issues.  It will probably be something he will battle the rest of his life as it flares up from time to time.  The current course of action is to continue his current meds until Friday; if he is still experiencing pain like he currently is, they will switch his medicine to something similar to Celebrex.  If that still fails to work, next are steroids.  If both are a bust, we are looking at a specialist vet appointment for back surgery.

Did you hear it??  That “choo-choo”?  You guessed it, the Money Train just pulled up to my door.

No, it is not similar to the Polar Express or Amtrak.  That’s an urban legend.  It is an endless parade of mile after mile of cars that take dollar after dollar out of my hardworking hands to pay for health coverage my family does not have and most companies do not offer.  The Money Train really likes the Rapin Compound; between fertility treatments and vet bills, the neighbors don’t even peek out of their curtains anymore when the whistle blows.

I shouldn’t complain about money–Lord knows there are hundreds of thousands of folks who are in a much worse place than I am, but I can hardly choke out the statement “How much?” without gagging on my own tongue.  I wonder how many more generations we will survive before major changes take place in insurance reform.  Can you see listing your frozen embryos or pets on your dependent sheet?  I am inclined to believe it could just happen in my lifetime…

All of those who analyze dreams, I need some advice.  I have been having some really disturbing dreams as of late and while I’ve tried to analyze them using dream books, etc, I am getting nowhere fast.  I have had several dreams, none of which are the same, but all involve the same concept–death.  I had a dream two weeks ago in which somebody shot my beloved dog in the skull right in front of me.  I was so upset in this dream that Ben had to wake me up because I was moaning and shaking.  During my vacation in Wisconsin, I had a dream that a tornado killed my dad, brother, and sister, leaving only my mother and I alive.  I know I’ve also had a dream in the past two weeks that someone shot me in the chest, although I can remember little about the dream other than that.   About three weeks ago, I had a dream that I was driving to school with my carpool buddy Kim, and we slid off a snowy curve into a deep ravine lined with massive trees.  I was the driver and while we ended up okay, but it was still traumatic.

The only conclusion I’ve come to is that all of these dreams leave me feeling very out of control in each situation–no matter how hard I try to keep people, my dog, and even myself out of harms way, I continually fail.  In the past few weeks, I’ve dealt with some pretty severe fertility issues.  I have come to accept that I will likely never experience pregnancy or give birth to my own children, so is that the “death” of a dream?  My mom told me I need to discuss these unsettling dreams with a professional (namely, my counselor), but I thought I’d bring it to the blog to see if anyone has any ideas.  Those of you who may know me more closely may have deeper insight than a stranger, but I’m welcoming all takers.  I have never had a history of nightmares and I never repeat dreams over and over–while themes tend to sometimes repeat, the dream is always different.  I always dream in color, which I guess has some significance when analyzing dreams. 

Please help the moderately insane with some advice!!!!

Music is such an important part of my life, it just amazes me that other people don’t feel the same!  My husband, for example, would rather listen to Howard Stern or Fox News in the car or in our house.  He was annoyed tonight when I turned on the kitchen under-the-counter radio while I was doing dishes, which prompted me to think about how important music is to me.  I would much rather spend a Sunday afternoon cleaning the house or reading with the XM Radio on than have TV on in the background.  When people talk about being stranded on an island with only x number of things, the top of my list would be music.  Hopefully no one else would be on the island, because not only would they probably not approve of my eclectic tastes, but my singing should be reserved for the shower only!

For Christmas two years ago, my sister-in-laws bought me a recordable XM player.  Basically, I can record live XM songs, programming, etc. and play it back like an IPOD.  I can’t download other songs onto it, only XM material.  It is the best gift I’ve ever received–the player erased all the songs I’d cataloged last summer and I had an emotional breakdown, soppy mess on the floor and all!  My favorite musical guilty pleasure is listening to replays of old Casey Kasem American Top 40 episodes on XM Radio on the 70’s and 80’s channels.  They play them on Saturdays and Sundays exactly as they were originally aired, except without commercials, which is the bomb!  It’s hilarious to listen to them, especially when they say things like, “This is a new song by a newcomer to AT Top 40, Prince” or “These folks performed last week on Fridays” (does anyone remember what Fridays was?  Scary enough, I do!). 

As a teacher, I know that people learn by different modalities and people are more successful when learning in their preferred methods.  I must be massively musical!  I know that I teach many songs in my own elementary classroom to help students remember basic concepts, probably because I remember some of the songs I learned from my kindergarten teacher and Sesame Street. 

I guess music just speaks to me, there are lines in print that elude me, but often times, when I hear them set to music, they just make sense and seem so prophetic.  Music can help me change how I feel from one minute to the next, it has helped me through happy and sad times, and certain songs are forever attached to different events in my life, almost an instant memory.  I can’t imagine my life without music in it, for all those reasons and more; I can’t imagine having that kind of void in my life like I perceive others who don’t love music must have. 

It would be interesting to start a list of important songs that take me back to certain memories, good and bad, kind of like the Kenny Chesney song “I Go Back”….hmmm, might have to work on that!

Well, I decided to write my essay today for submission to the Most Important Day of my Life contest.  I was feeling good about my literary skills and I finally chose my topic to write about.  There are a lot of important days, but in retrospect, I chose the one that meant the most to me.  I wrote about the day when I knew that my relationship with my husband, Ben, changed from friendship to love.  I am really pleased with the final product, but I am not going to post it here until the deadline for entries has passed.  You know how people scour the internet for essays to enter in magazines that they might plagarize!  As if!  The winner could receive $3,000, so I am taking this seriously.  I think the contest runs through early September, but Ben is gone to Boston for work so I knew I’d have uninterupted time to write.

It looks like another severe weather day in our area.  Our local NBC TV station is notorious for giving viewers a blow-by-blow when severe weather strikes–they interupt national programming and go live for weather when there are severe thunderstorm warnings or tornado warnings.  I love every minute of it!   If I weren’t a teacher, which I truly love, I would be a meterologist.  Something about the science and yet randomness of severe weather is fascinating to me, I think it is amazing to watch and respect the power of mother nature.   In the winter, two of my best friends and I (who are also teachers with me) watch the weather reports and venture guesses about whether or not we’ll have snow days.  It keeps the duldrums of winter interesting, and we constantly compete to be Meterologist #1.  We’re all weather nerds, I guess.

In this month’s edition of the magazine Real Simple, there is a writing contest that asks the above question.  I enjoy writing and am thinking about entering the contest, but there are so many ways to go with this.  Do I think in terms of poignant, humorous, memorable, bittersweet, life altering, etc?  I realize that I’m only 30 and I have yet to experience many things, but picking one event is like picking my favorite song in the history of recorded music!

Does anyone have any ideas?