Along Came Holly…

I have received several comments from many of my loved ones and friends about my “recent” depression (which is funny in and of itself since I’ve been on antidepressants for 11 years), specifically my less-than-optimistic facebook status updates and blog entries.  As I have stated many times, and those who know me already understand, I am not a flowers and rainbows kind of girl.  I like the glass half-empty, I deal strictly in realism, and I prepare for worst case scenarios so there are no surprises.  I overthink, overanalyze, and then do it again.

I believe that my recent “depressive” comments on life are an expression of my new-found disillusionment with the world.  This may sound dramatic, but I think it really took me 32 years to realize some hard truths.  I had believed, albeit naively, that good things happen to good people and if you work hard enough, you will get what you’re working for.  I still believe this on some level, but I had created this idea as a blanket-statement about how the world goes around.  I was very disillusioned.

Everywhere I look, from a school level with 40 co-workers to a city, state, and national level, it feels like nobody is listening to one another.  I talk with parents about different educational issues and take time to give my opinion because it has been solicited, only to have the parents do what they wanted to do anyway.  Administration in my district are making decisions solely on their own personal wants and needs–they are listening to nobody further down the food chain.  I vote in favor of a tax increase that promises to save police and fire personnel in Grand Rapids, only to hear on the news that because voters don’t want to pay for their street lights, we will lose emergency workers anyway.  I write letters to my congress people about legislation affecting me, they send back a form letter telling me that they’re sorry for my plight, but they’re going to do what they’re going to do.  Companies are dumping millions of tons of oil into the ocean and everyone is watching the disaster from the sidelines.

When I discuss any of the above issues with other adults, all of us shake our heads in disgust.  But what are we DOING about it?  Nothing–and why?  Because we’re exhausted.  We feel like we’re fighting but no one’s listening.  No one cares!  It’s a scary, sad commentary when Americans–a land of the people, by the people, for the people–shrug their shoulders with apathy.  Hence my disillusionment, I thought if I upheld a sense of good and worked hard, I would get somewhere.  All I’m doing is spinning my wheels and not sleeping at night.

I feel disillusioned, and maybe my comments do come off as depressive.  I struggle with being depressed, especially in stressful times–much like an alcoholic who craves a drink when life gets hard, I crave a nap when times get tough because I can escape my problems and go to my alternative never-never land.  I know I will come to terms with my disappointment, but it seems silly to act as if I’m content with the way the world is operating.  I think it’s a shame that people are writing that off as Holly’s Depression when really it’s an expression of how I feel.  Again, anyone who knows me shouldn’t expect glasses half-full.  I speak my mind (perhaps too easily and bluntly) and it isn’t always upbeat, but it’s honest.  I could blow sunshine and act as if the world is at my fingertips, but it’s just not.  I respect that some people have to operate in that mode, but it’s just not me.

Will times change?  Yes.  Will things change for the better?  I sure hope so.  Will I feel better about things in the future?  Absolutely.  Will the world implode before any of the above occur?  Maybe.  I understand that being around Debbie Downer is no fun, but I am just trying to be honest and realistic about life today.  If everyone sees that as depressive, so be it.  I classify it as an expression of my disillusionment–and at the end of the day, what I think is what matters most anyway.

I haven’t been on here at all lately–I hope to be able to catch up more this summer when my world gets far less stressful.  So a few updates and the new stuff…

I did the 5K, despite the cold and rain.  It didn’t rain while I was running, but it did both before and after.  Despite walking 1/4 of the way up a steep hill, I knocked almost three minutes off my previous 5K time for a new personal best of 33:37.  I was pleased with my performance and in my training, I discovered how much more I like running outdoors versus indoors.  The treadmill is good when it is icy, snowy, and freezing cold or rainy, but the outdoors rocks otherwise.  I am not nearly as bored outside and the time passes much more quickly.  On the treadmill, I just watch the stats stack up as I stare at the boring basement bedroom surroundings.

All hell has broken loose at school, as it usually does at the end of the year.  10 more teachers were pink slipped and for all practical purposes, eliminated altogether to save money our district doesn’t need to save.  The district has 2.1 million in the bank, yet those of us remaining will have to teach 28-30 children in horrible educational circumstances so the district “looks good” on paper, I guess.  Our negotiations are even worse and I know more than the average bear due to my executive affiliations with our union.  We will all be forced to lose thousands of dollars if the contract goes as the board wishes.

Then there’s individual students.  In the past week, I have been at two depressing, disastrous IEP meetings.  In one, I was there advocating that a severely autistic child should not be placed in my classroom next year because my room is not an appropriate placement considering his limited abilities to communicate and participate academically (he has not passed any of the academic milestones required to “pass” kindergarten).  Our staff is advocating a placement in a cognitively impaired room where the teacher to student ratio is 1:12 vs. my 1:25 currently and GOD KNOWS what next year.  We were basically told by ISD “experts” (and I use that term loosely) we don’t know what we’re talking about.  I went to another meeting the next day for a student I’ve had for two years only to be told by the parents that they really don’t feel their child has grown in my classroom.  In other words, I sucked.

I guess, to me, this all adds up to being really unappreciated.  I have always accepted that people take what I do for granted, but this always equaled out somehow when I see the learning taking place and a nice little thank you from a parent on the bottom of a newsletter.  This year, I just can’t get passed the crap.  Told from all sides how I should teach, run my classroom, accept students with inappropriate classroom placements, and do it with grace and a smile–because after all, I have a job.  Do it for less money, too, while our superintendent enjoys his 10,000 dollar bonus.

Ben and I have seriously discussed me not teaching.  I’ve never imagined not teaching, ever.  I know I’ve said it before, but I have always held teaching as my sanctuary.  Despite everything else going on in my life, I have always been able to turn to teaching and know I’m good at what I do.  I feel as if I’ve failed elsewhere in my life and I refuse to believe that I’ve failed as a teacher as well.  I know I’m still good at the teaching part, but it’s the everything else that sucks.  This year has been more bad days than good, and Ben and I’s rule is that you keep doing it until the bad outweighs the good.  I just don’t know what else I’d do.  I’m waiting for God to fill in the blanks so I can proceed.

So as I run, these are the thoughts that permeate my being.  I also wonder about if I’ll ever be a mom, will Ben and I ever build our dreamhouse, and how I will possibly pack up all of my classroom in the next 15 days.  I have no idea what I did before I ran.