It has been a long time since I’ve written. No real excuse besides being busy and uninspired. Recent events have gotten me inspired.
It has been a very sad week for me–everything around me seems seeped in sadness. It’s like a thick fog that is all encompassing and while only some of it involves me directly, it is draining. I have to spill it so I can sleep tonight, my brain is full and there’s no where else to stash the despair.
First, a good friend’s husband lost his job this past week. Not totally remarkable here in Michigan, but she is a stay at home mom and two of her three kids are in my class this year. I feel for her in a tremendous way–I cannot IMAGINE the impact of an event like that. I would be rocking in a corner, especially with three kids to worry about in addition to myself and my husband. I am helping in any way I can, but the real help she needs is peace of mind and resolution–how does one give that?
Next, I found out that one of my very best friend’s spouse is heading for an interview in Las Vegas in two weeks. If the mountain (aka work) won’t come to Mohammad, Mohammad must go to the mountain. I can’t imagine not having her around on a daily basis, it makes me incredibly lonely just to think about it. She is a great listener, loyal, honest, trustworthy, and funny–you know, basically all the things girls look for in a friend but often have a hard time finding? Yeah, she may soon be a Nevadian (is that what they’re called?).
Work is no better. I absolutely LOVE my job, I cannot imagine a more rewarding career that teaching children, but the politics of teaching in a nearly bankrupt state are overwhelming. Proposed cuts that I am aware of currently leave me making $5K less next year with less insurance, no tuition reimbursement (I have to keep educating myself though), mandated hikes on contributions to my state pension, reduced Title I aide time, and more students in my classroom as a reward. I feel like I give 110% to my students and their families, my superiors and the district itself, and the thanks I get for a job well done are significantly less pay, reduced benefits, and even more children to educate. I am only one person, how anyone in their right mind believes I can teach 30 six, seven, and eight year olds in my tiny classroom how to read, write, and do basic math has not set foot in a classroom recently. It is damn near impossible and the stress of that task has made me contemplate my future in education for the first time in my nine year career. I couldn’t live with giving 30 kids a mediocre start to their educational career–they need to know how to read and I don’t know how to be responsible for ensuring that 30 kids will do just that. There’s just not enough of me to go around. I have to teach at least one more year to get back the money I’ve paid into my pension–after that, for the first time ever, I just don’t know.
Then there’s the news. Haiti either makes me want to scream with rage or accept that an apocalypse is eminent. All those orphans that need loving homes–families like my own who would give their right arm for a child, will waste away and die in that country because politics and red tape is in the way. Not to mention all the dismal reports about unemployment, new home sales, faulty cars, faulty mortgages, faulty health care legislation, the list goes on and on.
Finally, I truly committed to losing weight this year. To my credit, I’ve lost 10 pounds in the last month between dieting and a steady ritual of exercise and running. This week, I have been overtaken by my addiction to food and depressed eating. I will run tomorrow morning, but I’m sure I’ll find something sinful and undiet-like to shove in my face through the course of the day. You’d think I’d embrace my chance here to control what little of my life I feel like I can at this moment–all the other sadnesses are really out of my reach, and yet this one, I just can’t muster up the strength to care. Hopefully it will kick me in the ass on the treadmill at 6am.
Anyone who knows me acknowledges that I’ve never been a glass half-full type of gal. I tend to look toward pessimism to ensure that there are no surprises, I’ve looked at all the possibilities and I’m ready to accept whatever happens–good, bad, or indifferent. In my life, I’ve had my share of letdowns and hard times and I think I’ve endured relatively well. But as I look at all the sadness right now, all I see is more sadness. None of my stresses appear to be leaning toward a positive result. At what point is a ray of sunlight going to disperse some of the fog? I have much to be thankful for, I realize this. I just feel totally powerless when it comes to my future.