I haven’t been on here at all lately–I hope to be able to catch up more this summer when my world gets far less stressful. So a few updates and the new stuff…
I did the 5K, despite the cold and rain. It didn’t rain while I was running, but it did both before and after. Despite walking 1/4 of the way up a steep hill, I knocked almost three minutes off my previous 5K time for a new personal best of 33:37. I was pleased with my performance and in my training, I discovered how much more I like running outdoors versus indoors. The treadmill is good when it is icy, snowy, and freezing cold or rainy, but the outdoors rocks otherwise. I am not nearly as bored outside and the time passes much more quickly. On the treadmill, I just watch the stats stack up as I stare at the boring basement bedroom surroundings.
All hell has broken loose at school, as it usually does at the end of the year. 10 more teachers were pink slipped and for all practical purposes, eliminated altogether to save money our district doesn’t need to save. The district has 2.1 million in the bank, yet those of us remaining will have to teach 28-30 children in horrible educational circumstances so the district “looks good” on paper, I guess. Our negotiations are even worse and I know more than the average bear due to my executive affiliations with our union. We will all be forced to lose thousands of dollars if the contract goes as the board wishes.
Then there’s individual students. In the past week, I have been at two depressing, disastrous IEP meetings. In one, I was there advocating that a severely autistic child should not be placed in my classroom next year because my room is not an appropriate placement considering his limited abilities to communicate and participate academically (he has not passed any of the academic milestones required to “pass” kindergarten). Our staff is advocating a placement in a cognitively impaired room where the teacher to student ratio is 1:12 vs. my 1:25 currently and GOD KNOWS what next year. We were basically told by ISD “experts” (and I use that term loosely) we don’t know what we’re talking about. I went to another meeting the next day for a student I’ve had for two years only to be told by the parents that they really don’t feel their child has grown in my classroom. In other words, I sucked.
I guess, to me, this all adds up to being really unappreciated. I have always accepted that people take what I do for granted, but this always equaled out somehow when I see the learning taking place and a nice little thank you from a parent on the bottom of a newsletter. This year, I just can’t get passed the crap. Told from all sides how I should teach, run my classroom, accept students with inappropriate classroom placements, and do it with grace and a smile–because after all, I have a job. Do it for less money, too, while our superintendent enjoys his 10,000 dollar bonus.
Ben and I have seriously discussed me not teaching. I’ve never imagined not teaching, ever. I know I’ve said it before, but I have always held teaching as my sanctuary. Despite everything else going on in my life, I have always been able to turn to teaching and know I’m good at what I do. I feel as if I’ve failed elsewhere in my life and I refuse to believe that I’ve failed as a teacher as well. I know I’m still good at the teaching part, but it’s the everything else that sucks. This year has been more bad days than good, and Ben and I’s rule is that you keep doing it until the bad outweighs the good. I just don’t know what else I’d do. I’m waiting for God to fill in the blanks so I can proceed.
So as I run, these are the thoughts that permeate my being. I also wonder about if I’ll ever be a mom, will Ben and I ever build our dreamhouse, and how I will possibly pack up all of my classroom in the next 15 days. I have no idea what I did before I ran.