Depression versus disillusionment
I have received several comments from many of my loved ones and friends about my “recent” depression (which is funny in and of itself since I’ve been on antidepressants for 11 years), specifically my less-than-optimistic facebook status updates and blog entries. As I have stated many times, and those who know me already understand, I am not a flowers and rainbows kind of girl. I like the glass half-empty, I deal strictly in realism, and I prepare for worst case scenarios so there are no surprises. I overthink, overanalyze, and then do it again.
I believe that my recent “depressive” comments on life are an expression of my new-found disillusionment with the world. This may sound dramatic, but I think it really took me 32 years to realize some hard truths. I had believed, albeit naively, that good things happen to good people and if you work hard enough, you will get what you’re working for. I still believe this on some level, but I had created this idea as a blanket-statement about how the world goes around. I was very disillusioned.
Everywhere I look, from a school level with 40 co-workers to a city, state, and national level, it feels like nobody is listening to one another. I talk with parents about different educational issues and take time to give my opinion because it has been solicited, only to have the parents do what they wanted to do anyway. Administration in my district are making decisions solely on their own personal wants and needs–they are listening to nobody further down the food chain. I vote in favor of a tax increase that promises to save police and fire personnel in Grand Rapids, only to hear on the news that because voters don’t want to pay for their street lights, we will lose emergency workers anyway. I write letters to my congress people about legislation affecting me, they send back a form letter telling me that they’re sorry for my plight, but they’re going to do what they’re going to do. Companies are dumping millions of tons of oil into the ocean and everyone is watching the disaster from the sidelines.
When I discuss any of the above issues with other adults, all of us shake our heads in disgust. But what are we DOING about it? Nothing–and why? Because we’re exhausted. We feel like we’re fighting but no one’s listening. No one cares! It’s a scary, sad commentary when Americans–a land of the people, by the people, for the people–shrug their shoulders with apathy. Hence my disillusionment, I thought if I upheld a sense of good and worked hard, I would get somewhere. All I’m doing is spinning my wheels and not sleeping at night.
I feel disillusioned, and maybe my comments do come off as depressive. I struggle with being depressed, especially in stressful times–much like an alcoholic who craves a drink when life gets hard, I crave a nap when times get tough because I can escape my problems and go to my alternative never-never land. I know I will come to terms with my disappointment, but it seems silly to act as if I’m content with the way the world is operating. I think it’s a shame that people are writing that off as Holly’s Depression when really it’s an expression of how I feel. Again, anyone who knows me shouldn’t expect glasses half-full. I speak my mind (perhaps too easily and bluntly) and it isn’t always upbeat, but it’s honest. I could blow sunshine and act as if the world is at my fingertips, but it’s just not. I respect that some people have to operate in that mode, but it’s just not me.
Will times change? Yes. Will things change for the better? I sure hope so. Will I feel better about things in the future? Absolutely. Will the world implode before any of the above occur? Maybe. I understand that being around Debbie Downer is no fun, but I am just trying to be honest and realistic about life today. If everyone sees that as depressive, so be it. I classify it as an expression of my disillusionment–and at the end of the day, what I think is what matters most anyway.